Sunday, February 18, 2007

SLEEPING ON IT

Well, I have slept on it and Sunday morning had arrived as expected. I cannot say, however, that I feel any better.

I was accused yesterday of being a racist, creating an unsafe space, and interfering with the learning goals of a fellow classmate. It was not pretty. It was publicly, in the midst of a room filled with more than a dozen students and an instructor. We were to remain in that shared space for an additional seven hours after the accusations were made.

Her stated perception of the interaction: I was engaged in a conversation with a classmate and she approached and offered comments on the topic at hand and asked a question of me. I refused to answer and in doing so made her feel less than, excluded, unvalued, and this was because she was a person of color and I and the person I to whom I was speaking are not.

My perception of the interaction: I was engaged in an intimate conversation with someone who would soon be writing an evaluation of me and my performance. Another person walked up and began speaking about a topic mentioned briefly in the course of our discussion. I finished the conversation and turned to the person who had approached and noticed her glasses. At that moment a person she had been waiting to see entered the room and they walked off to talk about music. I made a note of her question and assumed we would catch up later.

Later never came because in the meantime the interaction was volunteered in the opening moments of the class. How should I have responded? Is is better to keep silent in the face of being called a racist and an oppressive person or to speak the truth and say that the person had been impolite, not respected my boundaries, and unfairly labeled me with caustic accusations I did not deserve.

So, this is what it is going to be like? I work to overcome racism and oppression and in doing so am offered up and a scapegoat or punching bag for all comers? I realize the blood of people of color has flown for centuries, but does that mean that mine must flow now too?

I think back on the excitement I brought to the class and the ways I saw growth in myself before the moment in question. I mourn the loss of those additional seven hours of learning and I hope that the hardness I feel will soften soon.