Saturday, February 10, 2007
NEW LIFE
Today, it appears, is the first day of my new life.
I have sat for almost twelve hours on some of the most uncomfortable chairs in a room that somehow manages to be both too hot and too cold while hours and miles away from those I love. In summary, it was wonderful.
It might have been the people. The leaders with well prepared and the students were earnest and committed. It might have been the topic. The readings were both current and interesting. It might have been the discussions. Our words managed to be both carefully chosen and wildly impromptu. I do not know exactly how it happened, but it happened.
We talked about race and racism. How racism happens in the world and how fear takes hold of our emotions and gains control of our hearts and minds. How over time we have allowed fear -- fear of our differences -- to control of our selves, our families, our communities, and our world. We are being held captive by forces we ourselves have created and hardly realize that we are in chains.
I have looked in the faces of people of color and have seen the effects of racism. I have watched as my friends have been made to feel less than. I have listened to the stories of families who recount their histories claiming the bondage of slavery. I have listened as those I respected and admired offered judgement on people of color that was without merit or truth. I have looked with pity on those who live their lives as people of color.
Tonight I am realizing the effects of racism on myself -- how it has eaten at my heart and deprived me of friends, experiences, and a richer life. I am looking again at the institutions I love and seeing them with new eyes. I am noticing the fractures that have existed beneath my notice. I wonder what else I am missing.
It seems terribly self centered to grieve what I have missed or lost, when others have not experienced an iota of what I have been blessed with simply because I have been identified as white.
I want to be less white, no I do not want to be white at all.
How does that happen? Can it happen? What does that feel like? Will I still be me?
I have no choice but to try.
